The battle for purity on my birthday.

Today, I spent my morning watching a hysterectomy & repair of anterior vaginal wall.
In the afternoon, I went to a colposcopy clinic, which turned out to be cancelled.
I subsequently went home & went to bed, hungry & depressed.

Hungry because I hadn’t had lunch, and didn’t have any food in the hospital accommodation where I was staying. Depressed because…

Well, to better understand my state of mind, let me rewind to midnight. Or a little before. When after much discussion, my boyfriend & I agreed that he wouldn’t come down & see me on my birthday because (i) if he did come down for the day, having to send him off at the end of the evening would be so upsetting for me that it would outweigh whatever earlier joy I’d derived from him being here, (ii) if he stayed the night, it wouldn’t be in my room so much as on the kitchen floor, to safeguard his & my honour, and I wouldn’t be able to deal with that as well.

Leaving (iii): He stays in Birmingham, and I stay in my hospital accommodation in Basingstoke.

Not to mention God tells him that he cannot come to Basingstoke on my birthday.

As dispassionate as this decision-making process sounds, it was a conclusion that was heart-breaking to arrive at.

I was frustrated, because avoiding “even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed,” which are “improper for God’s holy people,” meant I could not celebrate my birthday with my boyfriend. “Fleeing the evil desires of youth” demanded I make sacrifices that I resented having to make, and made me question the point of point of fighting this battle at all.

Thus passed my first hour of turning 26.

The battle for purity is a hard one, one that doesn’t show any signs of letting up, one that I lose time & time again, and it’s reached a point where I am guilty, frustrated, and angry with God for putting me in a position where I’m always fighting, and never able to let down my guard, even for a moment, lest anything slips past.

I prayed, I you-tubed.

I wept. I remembered. And I battle on.

Thank God for battle-companions such as these.

“You were bought at a price. Therefore, honour God with your body.”
- 2 Corinthians 6:20.

Tags: Aaron