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The battle for purity on my birthday.

22 Apr

Today, I spent my morning watching a hysterectomy & repair of anterior vaginal wall.
In the afternoon, I went to a colposcopy clinic, which turned out to be cancelled.
I subsequently went home & went to bed, hungry & depressed.

Hungry because I hadn’t had lunch, and didn’t have any food in the hospital accommodation where I was staying. Depressed because…

Well, to better understand my state of mind, let me rewind to midnight. Or a little before. When after much discussion, my boyfriend & I agreed that he wouldn’t come down & see me on my birthday because (i) if he did come down for the day, having to send him off at the end of the evening would be so upsetting for me that it would outweigh whatever earlier joy I’d derived from him being here, (ii) if he stayed the night, it wouldn’t be in my room so much as on the kitchen floor, to safeguard his & my honour, and I wouldn’t be able to deal with that as well.

Leaving (iii): He stays in Birmingham, and I stay in my hospital accommodation in Basingstoke.

Not to mention God tells him that he cannot come to Basingstoke on my birthday.

As dispassionate as this decision-making process sounds, it was a conclusion that was heart-breaking to arrive at.

I was frustrated, because avoiding “even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed,” which are “improper for God’s holy people,” meant I could not celebrate my birthday with my boyfriend. “Fleeing the evil desires of youth” demanded I make sacrifices that I resented having to make, and made me question the point of point of fighting this battle at all.

Thus passed my first hour of turning 26.

The battle for purity is a hard one, one that doesn’t show any signs of letting up, one that I lose time & time again, and it’s reached a point where I am guilty, frustrated, and angry with God for putting me in a position where I’m always fighting, and never able to let down my guard, even for a moment, lest anything slips past.

I prayed, I you-tubed.

I wept. I remembered. And I battle on.

Thank God for battle-companions such as these.

“You were bought at a price. Therefore, honour God with your body.”
- 2 Corinthians 6:20.

It’s gonna be a while before I can listen to the song ‘Rain Down’ without feeling a leetle bitter…

29 Mar

… but at least now I know better than to “darken [God's] counsel with words without knowledge.”

“Have you entered the storehouses of the snow
or seen the storehouses of the hail,
which I reserve for times of trouble,
for days of war and battle?
What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed,
or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?”

“Can you raise your voice to the clouds
and cover yourself with a flood of water?
Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’?
Who endowed the heart with wisdom
or gave understanding to the mind?”

“Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him?
Let him who accuses God answer him!”

Then Job answered the LORD:

“I am unworthy—how can I reply to you?
I put my hand over my mouth.
I spoke once, but I have no answer—
twice, but I will say no more.”

- Job 38: 22-24, 34-36, 40: 2-5

Matt Maher wrote Your Grace is Enough!?

16 Jan

It’s interesting, the divide that seems to exist here between Catholics & Protestants. Or rather, the divide between the more sedate denominations, eg. Catholics, certain Anglicans, and the more “evangelical” denominations.

I use the term “evangelical” to describe a style of worship; and certainly not to mean that other “non-evangelical” denominations do not/should not evangelise.

One camp speculates the going-ons of the “happy-clappy” camp; the other camp dismisses the former as being “Mary-worshippers”. Both sides are mistrustful of the other. Of course, both sides (say they) would like to be reconciled, but, when a Catholic goes to Christian Union (CU), or a CU-goer comes to Catholic Mass at the Chaplaincy, the larger crowd is suspicious. You do get the odd one, who is pleased that the no-man’s land has been crossed, nay, BRAVED by the “Christian one”/”ecumenical one”, depending on which way you look at it, but for the most part, I encounter comments like this one:

“Why do you like going to CU so much?”

‘cos for one, I am confident enough to know that attending a different style of worship is not going to alter my belief in the points of faith that keep me attending Mass & keep me “Catholic”, numero uno being my belief in the actual & permanent transformation of bread & wine into the Body & Blood of Christ in the hands of the priest during Mass.

And for another, simpler reason:

I love the music.

‘cos not everyone in Chaplaincy, where I go to Mass, has that appreciation for how much songs MEAN. And it frustrates me, that people don’t seem to realise how much songs are a part of Mass, how much they can enhance our experience of Mass, and worship in general.

I know that everyone is tuned differently, and different people respond in different ways to different things. Some hearts are quickened by sermons. Some imaginations are stirred by art, and beauty. Some minds are nourished by writing. Not everyone is, or has to be, moved by music.

BUT, I don’t believe that is an excuse for neglecting LYRICS. Lyrics are what makes a song Christian

- we could enter a discussion as to how there are songs without words which can be Christian, but I won’t, ‘cos let’s face it, then the song’s only Christian ‘cos YOU read it that way –

and St. Augustine’s “when you sing, you pray twice” isn’t just a cliché to guilt people into singing. It’s TRUE: These lyrics make it so easy for us to pray. These praises, supplications to God, have been written already. Even set to tune!

And in my case, sometimes said sung so much better than any attempt of mine to pray “from scratch”. Sometimes, they strike a chord with me, bring me crashing to a reality I should not have forgotten. Sometimes, they resonate with me, causing parts of my heart to hum in recognition.

So, to cut a passionate piece short, basically, I go to CU to get my worship-music fix. And, since music is more central to worship in other denominations, as far as I know, most of the songs I listen to are written by Christians of said other denominations. Matt Redman, Philips, Craig & Dean, just to name a few.

Which is why I was completely taken by surprise, and at the same time, delighted beyond belief to find out that my anthem for summer of ’07:
THE song, which sustained my faith during my break-up, THE song, that my friends & I jammed together for hours in the pink room, THE song, which has become the anthem for churches across the world. THE song, which I had played, thinking all this time that it was written by Chris Tomlin…

Was actually written by MATT MAHER.

Yep, Your Grace is Enough was written by a Catholic, people.

Despite the fact if you Google “Your Grace is Enough”, all the hits on the 1st AND 2nd page would be related to Chris Tomlin, not Matt Maher. But, let’s face it, would this song have gotten the attention it is due otherwise?

Matt Maher, man who wrote the Litany of Saints, performed at World Youth Day, Cologne, Germany. Man who managed to include the word “TRANSUBSTANTIATION” (count the number of syllables) in a Christian rock piece. No mean feat.

I love the fact that it is right now – precisely when I am becoming disillusioned with the Catholic music-scene, and wondering if it is only other Christians who have the monopoly on producing enduring & appealing worship-songs – that I find out that this man, a Catholic whose songs we use in Lifeteen Mass, and a Catholic whom I respect so much for being progressive, and going & doing work with other (non-Catholic) Christian artists… has written a song, which has been covered by his friend, Chris Tomlin,

- Can you imagine how cool it would be to say Chris Tomlin is my FRIEND? –

on his amazing Arriving album. And not just any song; this song. MY song. A brilliant, BEAUTIFUL song. I love it.

“Great is your faithfulness, O God of Jacob;
you wrestle with the sinner’s restless heart.
You lead me by still waters into mercy
where nothing can keep us apart

So, remember your people,
remember your children,
remember your promise, O God.

Great is your love and justice, God of Jacob;
you use the weak to lead the strong.
You lead us in the song of heaven’s victory
and all your people sing along.

For your grace is enough.
Yeah, your grace is enough.
Yeah, your grace is enough.
Yeah, your grace is enough for me.
For me.

- Your Grace is Enough, Matt Maher.

Indeed, Your Grace is Enough for me, O God.

‘Tis the season of gratitude & hope.

14 Dec

If even Mr. Doom & Gloom himself can find hope in the mire that is Malaysian politics, surely I can find things to be grateful for, and hopeful for, too.

I feel bad, though, because it seems as though I only realise how much I have when I see how much other people have-not. I would not think of being grateful for a warm roof over my head, until I see a homeless person. I take my health for granted, until I learn about the myriad diseases which could potentially afflict any one of us, or until I see a patient with one of those myriad diseases laid up in a hospital or at home. It is hard for me to be grateful that I have money, when around me it seemed like other people have so much more. Again, until I see other people begging for it.

I hate the fact that my sense of gratitude is mostly tied-up in other people’s misfortune, or rather, their situation relative to mine.

‘course, that is not to say that I am not grateful for other blessings which aren’t as easily compared or calculated. Such as good weather. Beautiful skies. Good timing.

Barely a few nights after posting a public plea to God to reinforce/restore my trust in Him, He does that. And to be honest, it takes getting used to, this quick & efficient prayer-answering. Partly ‘cos I’m a Malaysian disillusioned by her slow & incompetent government (to list a couple of adjectives), but partly ‘cos I don’t usually pray for things that God is willing to give, so they tend to arrive on the slow side, if arrive at all.

“For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.”

– Isaiah 41:13

Like I mentioned earlier, “I live in a world, where I am constantly surprised by the occasions of care & personal attention displayed by a loving God.” I am still a little discontented, because I am by nature a control freak & I like things to go EXACTLY my way, but now, I have a confidence that God knows what He is doing.

Listen to myself. Yeesh, I’m surprised I’m not being struck by lightning even as I type this.

And it is a feeling very much like Someone is holding my hand tightly, and is pulling me through a massive crowd at a shopping-mall. I don’t know exactly where I am, or where I’m going, apart from occasional moments when He stops to point out something beautiful/lovely/clever He has done, but I am reassured by that firm grip, as He leads me purposefully through the shopping-mall & crowd of Christmas-shoppers that is Life.

I am nowhere near doing justice to Him with this analogy

- even it does reveal the passion I have for shopping & malls -

but I guess I just wanted to say, I believe You know what You’re doing, same as You did when you came up with the crazy idea to come to earth, be born in a manger, and die on a cross, to save people from their sins. And I’m prepared to fall in with whatever crazy plan You have (for me) now.

Any bets on how long this calm confidence & serenity is going to last? *wry grin*

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